Unforgettable, Part II

We’re continuing with the Unforgettable Friends theme from yesterday. A good friend suggested we talk about the grief that can accompany the loss of those Unforgettable Friends.

Some are friends for certain times in our lives. They are with us for a season, for a reason, and they do not stay in our lives. We learn lessons, both good and bad, from having them in our lives. How do we deal with that?

Oh gosh, those who are friends for even a period of years, can have a positive effect on us, even sharing valuable life hacks with you when you need them. You can be friends for thirty years, Things can often change dramatically and you are no longer friends. You’re grateful for them when you were friends. The time is no longer right for you to be friends. You go your separate ways, and have no further contact. It happens, and usually it’s for the best.

We made room for other relationships. Sometimes the new people you meet are the ones you need right now in your life. You learn and grow further. God puts them there sometimes. Show your gratitude to them, to your higher power or God, and recognize the gift they are. You come to recognize those chance meetings are really part of a big picture.

Of course, we have lifelong friends. Those are hard to lose. Death, the final goodbye, is such a thief. Stolen from our lives and our hearts, grief from these losses can be crippling. The Babe and I have had substantial losses in the past three years. All ages, walks of life, and beliefs. Our veteran friends Nugent, Danny, Jay, Lenny, and Kenny. Our songwriting friend Rick Tiger. Our lifelong friends Lou, Janet and Patty. And work friends Gary, and Tony.

They have all left our lives and we miss the places they were filling. We cannot fill the emptiness they leave. Excesses does not fill the voids; alcohol, gambling, overeating, random encounters, etc. Some folks become angry, negative, and act out. There is no shame in needing to talk with someone. Many people claim talk doesn’t help. It does. Sharing helps us give voice to what we need, what we fear, and what we need to heal. If we don’t, we can cause lots of damage to others.

The damage can affect our children, our jobs, our personal lives, and our future happiness. After our dad died, I withdrew. I held back even from my kids. That was damaging to my daughter, who was the youngest. Losing my dad was so enormous, I wanted nothing else to hurt that bad. My grieving was not healthy. Since then, I’ve learned a lot about loss, grief, and going on. For my future, I hope knowledge will help me cope when I think I cannot. I learned the hard way, withdrawing is not a healthy way to deal with grief, no matter how big it is. It’s also part of why I became a Peer Support Specialist. I hope to be a listening ear for folks who need to talk. I’m available.

Katina, thank you for suggesting we write about this part of Unforgettable friends. We have wonderful memories of friends, relatives, neighbors, and colleagues. Those keep us, along with our faith we will all be together again. If you need help with grief, contact our friends at the Centering Corporation in Omaha, Nebraska. They are the oldest grief organization in the United States. They have been present with Gold Star Families, survivors of 9/11, Oklahoma City Bombing, and many other terrible disasters, losses, and attacks.

Have a beautiful Sunday. More quilting in my future today. Tomorrow, I’ll tell you what I did while quilting. I’ve never done it in over 50 years of using a sewing machine. Such a deal! See you tomorrow! Thanks for being here. I appreciate all #1067 of you.

Spiders?!?! Uhm, Hard Pass.

Yesterday morning, we couldn’t figure out why Goldie was going to behind the loveseat before we finished our morning coffee. What was she doing? Couldn’t figure it out.

Might have figured it out this morning. The Babe left for the VFW Post 2503 for bookwork then a funeral with the Honor Guard. I finished my coffee, then see this creature you see in the header photo. What in the holy heck?

First, I’m so grateful it wasn’t the gigantic WOLF SPIDER I saw on the patio earlier this summer. He had a backpack and everything. This guy isn’t as scary, but I don’t care for spiders at all. Snakes, reptiles, mice, all in my firm “NO” categories. I don’t think they are necessary in the world, but I’m sure God had a plan in there somewhere. Sure, certain creatures eat them, but couldn’t they as easily eat corn or a nice potato now and then?

I worked on another two blocks today for Kayla’s quilt. It feels so good to feel the fabric in my hands again, to prep the pieces, glue them down, and apply the pieces to the blocks. I’ll work on sewing them down with embroidery stitches this week. I’m eager to see what it all looks like, but we have a long way to go.

We’re checking the Facebook feed to see how our friends with Guitars for Vets, Moving Veterans Forward, and 50 Mile March are doing as they left the steps of the Capitol in Lincoln, Nebraska at 5 p.m. It’s now 7 p.m., and they may be close to their first break. They walk all night, and should arrive at the end by 2:30 p.m. tomorrow. It is grueling. Each participant has $2500 they pledge to raise, and there were about 60 participants this year. They trained, tested, qualified, and met since February of this year to get to this day. Their goal this year is $200,000, to share among Veterans aid groups, G4, MVF, and a Veterans Suicide Prevention group. There is time to donate if you’re inclined. Google 50 Mile March and follow the instructions.

Another note about grief:

I saw this today in my daily meditation book. Ironic after losing my friend in the past couple weeks, I would come across this one today:

“Death is the Mother of Beauty.”

Death and birth are natural occurrences. We cannot wish it away or protest it out of existence. Dealing with our sadness on top of that at times makes the whole thing seem impossible. How can we get through it?

We have to work through our grief as individuals. No two people grieve in the same way. We certainly can’t judge some else’s grieving. We can share what works for us. We can offer to have coffee, lunch, any number of ways to meet up. We can listen. We can give hugs. Too man people are uncomfortable with the silences we fall into when we don’t know what to say. We don’t have to say much. Often, just being present or simply available is the best thing to do.

It’s hard work, all growth is. We can remember our loved on is no longer tied to the pain they had; we can be glad we had the time we did with our loved one; we can be grateful and grief stricken at the same time. We will find our way through, with a little help from our friends. Hugs, to those who need it.

Thank you for reading today. Here’s hoping you have a good evening, and know we’ll see each other tomorrow.

Grace While Grieving

We need to cut ourselves some slack, especially while grieving. We get through the stuff we have to do, the arrangements, the clergy, the luncheon. We may make a mad dash for the black suit or dress aisle at the local JC Penney’s, or change a last minute appointment to another day, but we handle necessities. If you make silly everyday mistakes on little things, don’t worry. You’re just human. You’re entitled, especially during this time.

Why did no one ever tell us about this part of life? Why is it only Far Eastern civilizations recognize earth as merely a nanosecond in Eternity. The good stuff happens in the afterlife. I’m just learning this is the last 25 years or so.

We never talked about death, what happens to the body as the life leaves, and what part the mind/body connection has. I do much better with information when dealing with troubling situations involving the unknown.

More openness about the process is present now with the longevity of people, access of information (no, not the internet), and genuine interest. Grief itself is it’s own subject. You can talk about the deceased for as long as you like or need.

There is no time limit. If someone tries to place one on you, think twice about your relationship. I did. When I lost my best friend, a guy I was dating couldn’t understand why I still felt bad after ten days. Are you serious? I promptly broke up with him.

Tomorrow, we will bid farewell to everyone’s friend, Lou Riedmann. He was the Babe’s good friend, brother-in-law (they were married to sisters), and mentor. Lou lost his wife ten years ago. There is a lot of history between the Babe and Lou. I appreciate it all.

As we work through the next few days, always speak well to people. You will have no regrets that way. Be patient with those who are grieving. You may need it some day yourself. Live life to its fullest. Leave no stone unturned. See you tomorrow!

Grief to Gratitude

Amid grief, it is important to look for things to be grateful for. After losing three friends last year, and four this year (already), we are looking towards our arsenal of memories we are grateful to have. Memories of those friends. And there are so many. So many laughs. So many tears. And so many things to give thanks for.

There are the good-natured jokes people have among friends. The stories shared. The corny punch lines after you take the bait and listen to some long, drawn out set-up. And everyone groans collectively. Good times.

There are the serious, heart-revealing stories told in confidence which aren’t shared with many people. They entrusted you with their secrets. You treasured the secrets and stories. Trust is such an important gift to receive. It says more than many hundreds of words. You are forever the keeper of the secret.

There are thousands of everyday life memories. The trips to the lake or cabin; family trips to Disney World; graduations, weddings, baby showers, births, first steps, and broken hearts. Reading and board games, practical jokes and help to study, playing checkers and puzzle building. Monopoly games, Old Maid, War, Electronic Battleship, and my fave, the Game of Life. Think of all the interactions your family may have had doing those things. More treasures, for sure.

There are some people who have none of those memories. Their homes were not happy, their families were not functional. You can find something that was good. One really nice thing I remember was the Christmas Mom made all the Barbie clothes. She had a blast. I gave them to a friend for her daughter; I wish I still had them. But that’s ok. Someone got use from them. Grandma pitched in and knitted some outfits as well. They were awesome. I was a lucky girl that year. Mom always went all out for Christmas.

Sometimes, we have to dig. Sometimes, we have to add to the story to make it a good one for us. It’s ok. We have comfort in our memories, our recollections of treasured moments. Those are what warms us when we’re chilled to the bone with sadness and loss. We might not want to continue, because, “What’s the use?” Nothing could be further than the truth.

We need to continue living and adding to our own experiences, helping others have moments to draw upon when we are gone. That will broaden our wonderful memories and block out the bad ones. Be selective. It helps. We can put grief in its place, it takes time. Studying about it gave me an idea of what I was experiencing. I know what to do now and what not to do. I feel some comfort with this and use it. Thank you for reading today. Be honest with yourself if you are grieving. It helps a lot. Let’s each other tomorrow. Have a good evening.

Natural Progressions

Death is the mother of beauty. Wallace Stevens

This reading from my ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) daily meditation really spoke to me last week. Of course, with losing our friend a couple weeks ago, it was quite timely again. I believe God does that to help us see His message for all of us. Death is as natural as birth yet we humans see it as an end a lot of the time. I believe the thing of it is, the person who dies is the lucky one. They no longer have to be witness to the perils of living in this world. No, I’m not suggesting we end it all when we can’t take it any more. Not at all.

What I mean is death is the period in the sentence of our life. Not a sentence as in time served in prison, but the sentence of the story of our life. Maybe Lenny’s end of the sentence was an exclamation point. The guy certainly could make us laugh and forget our worries. Yes, let’s call it an exclamation point ending. Your life becomes complete when you pass.

And the part of life you spend with your spouse, best friend, significant other, or family and friends is over too. The grief is another process you need to experience to make those relationships complete. Your grief has a beginning, a middle, and an end. It’s personal. My grief, should I lose the Babe, will be different than yours is. No two people grieve in the same way. The women I’ve observed in Mom’s family are often very stoic in their grief. Mom was when Dad died. And she became angry if my brothers and I talked about Dad in front of her. We clammed up. We took our grief and expressed it in many bad ways. I withdrew from my kids. I was not in any relationship at the time, so no one was affected but my kids. That was wrong of me. They needed me. I just wanted the hurt to stop. My brothers drank and did some drugs. All dysfunctional. But we did not know any better.

We were used to seeing people behave in dysfunctional ways; siblings arguing, refusing to speak, anger, and pointing out the faults of the person who passed, not the good they did. Not how they would be missed. That was wrong. I vaguely remember the same thing happening when our Grandpa died on Christmas Eve, 1964. I was the oldest granddaughter, so I was twelve. I could feel the unrest among Mom, my aunts, and Grandma. Grandma had regrets. She carried those around forever.

I’m so glad we have resources now, for all people in their stages of grief. Little children lose a parent, they can utilize groups like at Teddy Bear Hollow in Omaha, Nebraska. Contact the Centering Corporation, they’re great people. They can help you. They help kids, Gold Star Families, and everyone in between. Check them out. You’ll be glad you did.

Dealing with the sadness of grief takes time, just as living a life does. There are different stages, and we all process them differently. The Babe and I have talked about this. Should he die before I do, I’ve asked him to come talk to me out on our deck, early in the morning, when the weather is warm enough to be there. He agreed that would be a good place. I suppose it would be from the fireplace in the winter. We love our fireplace, and enjoy it every chance we get.

I have no idea what path my grief will take me. It will be deep and big, I’m sure. The practical truths that surround everyone grieving are;

• The dead have no problems. Our problem is our sense of loss.
• Acceptance of death, just like our acceptance of our past mistakes and bad decisions, is what a wise person does.

We will survive. We will feel better someday. Some days we won’t. You cannot get around it; you have to go through it. If you are a Veteran and need help, call your local VA. Help is available for all of us. Let’s walk with each other through our grief, and come out whole on the other side.

“I rejoice that my loved one and I had time together. I am grateful as well as grief-stricken.”

Thank you to Hazelden Meditations, for their August 20th page in “Days of Healing, Days of Joy; Daily Meditations for Adult Children” that inspired this blog post. Be safe out there. See you tomorrow!

The Beat Goes On

No matter the year, the time of year, life and its beat keeps going on. And on. If we like it or not, it does. Things we don’t want to happen do. We cannot stop it. Since this long awaited year began a few days ago, we have learned of three families who have had someone pass away. There are those who will say terrible things about 2020 and the “curse,” but that’s not right. It’s life. It’s our human experience. We lose people.

One was a man in Ohio, who dated a friend of ours. Even though the relationship ended, there is still a feeling of loss. You feel bad for his family, and for his former girlfriend. Losses that are sudden are difficult. I believe he was in his 70s.

One was the mother of my good friend. She was about 90; I believe. They lost her a long time ago, to dementia. It is a blessing, yet there are still feelings and a significant loss. I believe once you lose both of your parents; you become orphans, regardless of your age. Sure, you’ve been on your own for decades (hopefully) but you still can see your parent(s) and talk to them (Lord willing). It was another sudden loss, even in these circumstances, you want to say goodbye.

The last one was tougher to hear about. A young 47-year-old man, a friend’s son-in-law. I haven’t been able to verify yet, but I think he just married her daughter last fall. They worried about having the wedding during COVID. If this is true, it’s a wonderful thing they did. Life is so fragile. You just never know. Now, his wife and children are wondering what, why, and how? This is hard to witness and experience.

So what can we do? We can learn to just be there. We don’t have to do anything but listen. Don’t offer platitudes of, “He’s in a better place,” “She is so much better off,” or “God only gives you what you can handle.” When your grief is huge, those things do no good, except alienate your friend from you. Any comment of, “Let us know if you need anything,” is most often to no avail. I’ve rarely called anyone to help. Most of us don’t. If you call and offer something specific, “I’ll bring over some lasagna,” “Let me pick up paper products for your families to use,” and perhaps one of the best things is call them after everyone leaves. Everyone else goes home after the funeral and resumes their own lives.

A person who has just experienced loss cannot resume their life as it was. I know if I outlive the Babe, there will be something HUGE missing from my life. From our bed, to our couch, to our dining table. Experience tells me I will live through it; experience also tells me I don’t want to have to feel all of it. But you have to. The more you feel and talk about, the sooner you will heal.

When our dad died, even though we knew he wouldn’t live until Christmas that year, it was still a shock when he died. He died on December 7, 1988. What a day of infamy for our family! In less than a month, we experienced Christmas and his birthday. A lot to cope with. Mom is a rather stoic person, and she would not talk about anything about his dying. She didn’t allow us to talk about him in her presence, so we all were quiet. It was very dysfunctional and all four of us grieved in terrible, destructive ways. Some turned to more drink and more drugs. Some isolated ourselves to insulate against the pain. The pain went to other people because of that.

This is a topic no one wants to discuss very frequently, and it’s one that should be part of our education. You should know how to do your income taxes and learn how to grieve. How the adults in a child’s life handle grief is what the children will mimic as they grow older. Break the cycle of stoicism and silence. We can only learn by what we observe. Let’s be mindful as we continue into 2021. All the “bad things” about life remain with us, despite new goals and a refreshed attitude.

Learn to Deal. Don’t sidestep. You need to meet it head on. You’ll get through it better. You’ll help yourself and others by talking. Telling stories is healthy and necessary. Your stories are how your loved ones will live on. It’s our duty to talk and listen. I hope my kids will talk about me, and I hope it’s good!

My friends at the Centering Corporation in Omaha, Nebraska, are an excellent source of information about grieving. They have books, materials, workshops, and support for those of us who grieve. They have an impressive story, check them out. It is a treasure for when we need it.

As I remember my friends and their losses today, I hope we all are kind to each other. I hope we are all patient with each other. I hope we are loving to each other. Forgive old wrongs. It’s ok to stay away from someone toxic, forgiveness can have boundaries attached. We can learn how to do that.

This year will have its share of joy, kindness, loss, change, love, and whatever we put into it. Leave out the negatives. Kick hatred, malice, gossip, meanness, and nastiness to the curb. Be kind. Be thoughtful. Be how you want to be about. It will make all the difference in the world. Thank you for being here today. I’ll see you tomorrow. Blessings.

Love you, Dad

I don’t recall Pearl Harbor. I wasn’t born yet. In fact, I would be over a decade in arriving on this planet. We grew up having a great respect for our country, our Armed Forces; after all, Dad was a medic/support person in both WWII and Korea. I’ve told this story before, but please cut me some slack. Today is the day, in 1988, that we told him goodbye. Nothing has hurt that badly since. I wouldn’t let it. I retreated from everyone I loved; even my children. And for that, I’m sorry, guys. I just didn’t know how to handle what I felt. All I knew was I wanted nothing to hurt that badly again.

Not being unkind, my mom is like a Drill Sergeant. Very stoic. We never saw her cry. I’ve not heard her say she misses him, not even once. If my brothers and I were all together in her presence, she would get angry if we talked about him. We didn’t know what to do. We needed to grieve together, and that didn’t happen. They had taught Mom to be that way. It’s what got her through. We all had unhealthy ways of coping with those feelings of loss. It wasn’t pretty.

My oldest son was seventeen. They diagnosed dad with lung cancer on Frankie’s birthday. Cancer, the gift that kept on giving. Fifty-one days later, Dad died. He lost over fifty pounds. I’m glad he didn’t lose his hair. He had beautiful hair and was a handsome man. I learned to listen to Sinatra, Benny Goodman, Harry James, and how beautiful Lena Horne was from Dad. All significant memories. No one can take those from you. Dad spent a lot of time with Frankie, and taught him what to look for when you buy a used car, etc, etc, etc. Dad was the best male influence on all my kids.

My younger son, at thirteen, grieved openly and hard. He gets it all out of his system, and he’s done. He remembers funny things, and he tells us stories and asks questions. He was such a brainiac. Dad loved to tease him and his little sister, Becky. She was “Dolly” to Dad. He adored her, and I loved that he did. He told me what good kids they were.

I’d see him every weekday at the hospital, over my lunch hour. We talked about lots of stuff. We talked more in those fifty-one days than we had in my life. It was wonderful. The last thing he told me, on my lunch hour, Wednesday, December 7, 1988 was, “Sis, I just can’t fight this anymore. I’m tired.” I took his glasses, covered him up, kissed him on the forehead and told him, “Do what you’ve got to do, Dad. I’ll always watch out for Mom. Love you.”

At 4:20 p.m., Mom called me at work and said, “Call your brothers, you all need to come.” around 5:45 p.m., he passed. Quietly. Painlessly. No more pain. Thank God we had such a wonderful dad. He was tough, no doubt about that. You learned lessons, as we should have. The thing I learned most from him was “Do it right, or don’t bother.” I hear his voice while I’m writing. I feel his encouragement. No one can take that from me. I miss you and love you.

Dad’s Medals. I wrote to get them in 2016. He’s my hero, always. Two Bronze Stars? Bad Ass.

I learned a better way to grieve. I have told my kids about my mistakes and apologized. It’s a case of hoping they learn from your mistakes. It’s a gift when you do that for your kids. It’s a way to stop the craziness that travels from generation to generation. People always used to keep things to themselves. “Don’t tell your business.” Now, with social media, perhaps people share too much. We need to put aside the idea that we know everything, how to do everything. No one is that balanced; after all, we’re human and full of flaws! It’s a courageous act to admit it. And then learn a better way to do something. Ah, balance.

I know Dad would love the Babe. They have similar qualities. Deep sense of right, deep love and caring of others, firm yet fair. I was lucky my kids were good people; they have all turned out well. It’s the best thing you can hope for. It was hard to transition into being an empty nester. When you’re busy providing and working and studying and family dinners every night, you build up a momentum you keep on until you look around one day, and by gosh, they’re gone! On their own! You raised them to do that, now what?

You decide to write a book, and you write a blog, and you work with a book coach to learn. Life is good. We balance life. Life is the Babe and me, making the most of it; in sickness and health, in pandemic and wellness, in respect for the unknown and certain. We’ll make it. Together.

Thank you for reading today. I appreciate it. Spread happiness, not the Pandemic. Be Kind. Be Safe. Be Careful. Count your Blessings. We all have a lot. See you tomorrow!

Pushing On and Through

It is quite chilly this morning, but my heart is warm. The turmoil of the past month is starting to resolve. That’s always good.

Dan has an infection in his incision from the surgery ten days ago. He’s on antibiotics so it should resolve. The staples come out Tuesday, October 29th. Hopefully, that is the last time the poor guy sees a surgeon for a long while. Prayers appreciated.

My son Frankie (his mom can still call him that) finally was granted access to the apartment. He and the room mate are working feverishly to go through things. Their damage was strictly water damage, which is a blessing. Now, the beds and furniture are so waterlogged the insurance company just paid them out. The clothes are fine just need washing. Good deal.

Some of the collectibles will now be sold as boxes opened. They’re generally fine. Unbelievable. Someone already gave them new kitchen furnishings, so none of that needs hauling, cleaning, etc. Time saver. Hopefully, the electronics are not wet. Otherwise, that will be a whole ‘nother story. By tihs time next week, they will be moved into an exact same apartment in a different building. Nice to be able to move efficiently! Things continue to look up for him.

Loves of my life, my kids.
This was ten years ago on Thanksgiving. Last time we were all together.
From left, Frankie, me, Becky (lives in Colorado) and Nick (lives in KC MO).

All in all, God has been very good to my family, and we all have a lot of thanks to give.

If you ever play those silly games on FB, even though the results are totally randomly generated, sometimes they’re fun. I like this one, and try to remember this is really how I try to be. All the time. In times of peril and in times of plenty. Whatever it is, Let It Be. This also happens to be one of my favorite songs, too.

Words to Live By.
That Paul McCartney really knew how to write.

In more ways than one, I am a Survivor.

It truly IS hard for me to talk about myself. I would rather tell you about my kids or pets or Dan or the grandkids or anyone but myself. In retrospect, I do realize mine is a very unique story full of a lot of challenges. I realize they all made me stronger, and that is a blessing as well as a curse.

When you are strong, people don’t think you need support. You do. You just don’t expect it. People are baffled when you are down. You are too! It’s hard to keep the braveness in full force sometimes. I have been scared for my immediate family this past month in a way I’ve not experienced before. It’s hard. My faith has returned, is strong again, and so am I.

I have always Let It Be, and known that tomorrow the sun will always still come up. No matter what. It will always rise and set just like always. I know enough of those new days followed by a good night’s sleep will help my mind ease, my body relax, and my worry wane. I need to be patient. How about yourself? Can you Let It Be?? Do you want to?? God does a pretty great job of managing if you ask me. I need to quit trying to grab His paintbrush. We all do.

Thank you for reading, please like and leave a comment to let me know you were here. I so appreciate it!

The Human Body . . .

God’s very best creation.

I have always been fascinated by our human body. It’s an awesome mix of mechanics, electricity conduction, anatomy and physiology, and I am a constant student of this magical mystery.

As I wrote earlier, Dan had a heart cath in early October. The femoral artery didn’t close properly. He had some bleeding, had an ultrasound, diagnosis, and went under the knife. It’s very painful with all the staples in for another week. He is slowly healing, and just wants to be over this. Our neighbor said he’s earned about ten years of good health. That would be great!

What kind of books do you like to read?? I love crime stories, true crime, cop stories, mysteries, historical fiction, history, and based on true events books. And of course, anything educational about the human body.

What am I writing? A realistic fiction book. It details memories and events that happened in a home as a family grew up and older. It is called “These Walls DO Talk.”  It follows a woman through the rooms of the family home, as she is taking one last look. The memories of a lifetime flood into her and she sees how she has grown and learned about life. Her life. She has learned her value. And has answered hate and discontent with love and acceptance.

I am also working on some books to introduce children and families to grieving in a healthy manner. Events such as the loss of a dog can be a child’s first experience with loss. It is best to be honest with them.

There is also book about losing a grandparent on a major holiday. It is very hard to recover from a loss like that. This is a true story, and I have a co-author for that one. It is a labor of love.

My very first book idea for children is called “Bonus Grandma’s.” It is about a little boy trying to understand why he had six Grandma’s instead of only two. He and his cousins talk about families, step parents, and the positive things about large families.

These projects are like adding to my family. More siblings for our kids. I hope you like them. Please, tell me what you think about any and all of these ideas. After all, if people won’t read them, no one will know these stories.

As always, please comment and let me know your thoughts. Thank you for reading. I appreciate your time.