Feelings-Sudden and Manageable.

Whether we want to admit it, we all have feelings. It’s just that they exist. Present in our makeup, triggered with a sight, a sound, or a smell, they can take over. We are not responsible for our feelings or how we feel when they overtake us. We are, however, responsible for our response to them. What?

You heard me. If your response is to yell at whoever is near, belittle them, and humiliate them so you feel better, that’s wrong and you’re responsible for the fallout from that. That’s extremely dysfunctional behavior and you own that. You owe apologies to everyone you hurt. They did nothing to you. You responding to those pesky feelings, and here we are.

Learning how to handle those feelings will make you a better person, more settled, and your growth will be great. Feelings management has to be learned. It’s not inborn. We cannot manage triggers. We can only manage what we do with our feelings. Lashing out at people only serves to isolate you when you need support. Alienate enough people and you’ll end up very alone and lonely. Be conscious of this; it’s sometimes impossible for us to undo the damage we’ve done.

I’ve tried very hard to be conscious of this out-of-control behavior. I’ve witnessed this much in my life, and I still hate when I see it unfold before me. It’s so damaging if it’s directed at you. Please, learn to control your emotions, and don’t hurt others because of them. Learning to be honest with yourself. Admitting you’re afraid or feeling threatened is hard work. And the angry outbursts are much better silenced than heard by the entire neighborhood.

Every family has it’s challenges. We all keep our secrets. The fewer the secrets, the more ready you are for challenges. Honesty is the best way to talk about this stuff. Try it. You may like it. Let’s see each other tomorrow, ok?

Monday, Monday & Anger

We’re still decluttering and talking about how to both know what’s going on with everything in the household. Ever since we got married, we kept our finances separate. We both had debts that took a while to pay down. By then, the kids needed legitimate help once in a while, and we just kept things separate.

Since we’re both in our 70s now, we decided it’s a good idea to fill each other in on our separate debts, regular payments, etc. This revelation shocked some folks, but it works for us. It’s worked for nearly 25 years, no need to change it now. Soon, we’ll both be on point to take something out of our retirement accounts annually. I love we have always been able to trust each other with everything. Assets, money, retirement, fidelity, relationships with opposite-sex friends, the whole nine yards. It is a gift that keeps giving.

I feel as if I’m behind with the Artist’s Way this week. I’m creating like crazy on the quilt for grandson Cody, and we’re getting a lot of little things completed along the way. We thought the Christmas tree would be in the box by dinner time today, but no, that didn’t happen. We’ve decided we’re pleased with the results of our extra attention we’re paying to our home now. It’s making our surroundings more comfortable and productive.

I’m glad our dad always insisted we learn to pay attention to what goes on around us. Pay attention to people, traffic, other people walking, whatever is going on. We grew up in a world and neighborhood where all the neighbors knew each other, where it was safe to ride our bikes to the library or the park.

My kids pay attention like I did as a kid. While driving them to school one day many years ago, one of them talked about the beautiful sunrise we could see daily; complete with a couple clouds, orange and crimson streaks, for effect. It was after my dad died. Nick said, “This reminds me of when Grandpa had us watch Bob Ross paint on television.” Yes. He certainly paid attention. I want to paint scenes like that. I will. Just follow along, it will happen.

I need to devote more time to the lessons in the Artist’s Way. This week is about anger. This is a tough feeling for me. Like most women my age, they taught us to not show anger. Nice girls and women do not get angry. Control your temper, ladies. This was not true in our home. Our mom was frequently angry. I did not know why, I just felt responsible. This was what she experienced growing up. Yelling is how she cleared the air. I would quietly go to my room and hide out until I had to come out. Walking on eggshells is not a way to live. I was such a nervous kid, always afraid I did something wrong. I shrunk up and tried to be invisible. Anger should not be the only emotion kids witness.

The proper way to deal with anger is to use it for good. If you are a person who blows up and yells at everything, you need to learn why you do this and learn what you need to do to handle the feelings causing this before you cause harm to others in your family, especially children. Mom still goes through her “rant and rave” sessions. And it still makes me feel like I did something wrong. It’s different from “venting,” it’s damaging to relationships, your personal life, spaces, and other people.

What Cameron says about anger is huge. Anger is fuel, it’s a map, it is to be listened to. Anger is a map. To show you where you need to go next; it shows what you need to change boundary-wise. It points the way, not just a finger. If Mom, stressed and angry, should have used the anger to see what the problem was and how she could correct it. She didn’t know any better.

Problem was, the dysfunction took over, just as she witnessed as a child; yelling and shouting was the learned response. It is one of the worst ways to handle the situation. But they didn’t know any better. It would have been a healthier response to think about the stress, overwhelm, and problem. Handle it constructively.

During this time era, people kept secrets. Secrets about everything. Domestic violence. Infidelity. Mental Health issues. Special needs children. Children who had learning disabilities. And stresses/problems of stay at home moms. No one admitted to any problems.

I didn’t have a blueprint for what to do when your kids grew up. I’ve had a hard time when they’ve all left, which is what I raised them to do. Even with the Babe in my life, I missed those kids so bad. I still do, but differently. I’ve never insisted they come on holidays when others may need their presence too. They all know they’re welcome anytime. But where did that leave me? All we can do is carve out a niche for us and furnish it with what we need.

All of this is uncharted territory. Find what you get angry about and figure out how to stop it. There was a time in my life that I, too, yelled at my kids. My mom was angry, and I didn’t want that to happen to me. My unhappy first marriage caused my anger. I filed for divorce and stopped the destructive behavior. I became very calm and happy. It was amazing. I didn’t end up an angry woman. Grateful.

I will take this unit to heart. Recovering a sense of power is important. I am aware of my power and I want to use it to the max. We’ll see how the week goes. We’re supposed to get some snow this week. I’m happy. It is winter, after all. If you’re angry, analyze where it comes from. And how to re-direct it. You may get some answers you didn’t bargain for. Have a happy Monday, and we’ll see you tomorrow.

11/29/2022-One Day Left

Have we really reached the end of November? Today is the last day. Needless to say, I didn’t complete NaNowriMo. My writing 50K words will have to wait until another month and maybe another year. The Babe and I spent a wonderful day today, talking about his trip to DC last week and how big the grandkids are getting. Joell turned 15, Addison was 15 last February, Gavin will be 11 next birthday, and Kayla will be 5 in March, Cody will be 3 in January. Where does the time go?

Speaking of where does the time go, I may not be able to finish both quilts for Kayla and Cody before Christmas. Becky and I worked it out, when they’re both quilts are finished, I’ll send them both. It doesn’t have to be Christmas or a birthday, their Mama said. I love that about my daughter. She is forgiving. Now, the pressure is off, and I’ll enjoy working on them a lot more.

Do you get angry? Or do you claim you’re not angry about anything?

If you’re treated a certain way for a lifetime but bury how you feel, it’s probable you have a deep near rage. The anger festers, and becomes deeper. It’s hardly noticeable, until it blows up, which can happen easier than you think. Chronic, buried anger can cause a real problem in dysfunctional behavior. Have you ever gotten the silent treatment? Have you gotten the silent treatment in addition to the silent one banging cabinets, slamming dishes on the table, throwing things, and turning petty things into major problems? A minor inconvenience, like a spilled glass of milk, can set off a tirade that lasts from minutes to hours. You never know.

Some of us are sensitive to angry outbursts. I am. I’d rather hear anything else than some angry, out of control person. I don’t hear anything reasonable in what I’ve described here. I’d rather be able to talk with someone, tell them I’m angry, and go on. If it gets to the point of tirades or silent treatments, it’s too far gone to have a reasonable discussion. I wish you luck in resolving the differences.

As this is the last day of November, I hope it’s a good one for you. Me? I’ll be at the sewing machine, getting all the stitches in I can. And cutting out more small pieces to make Cody’s doggie quilt. It’s a sweet one, I’ll let you see the pattern later on.

Take care, and I hope you’re not angry today. I hope everything is resolvable in your life, or at least you have someone to talk things out with. We all need that. Have a beautiful day, and see you tomorrow.

Patience Is a Virtue

My oldest son Frankie loved to fish as a kid, teenager, and into his early 20s. He had the patience to sit quietly and wait. He said my dad had it, too, and wanted Grandpa to go fishing with him when he retired. Dad passed away from cancer within six months.

Have you ever had your patience tried by a sulky teenager, a crabby middle-schooler, or a slow-moving kindergartener? Mom’s and Dad’s have their patience tried multiple times a day. How you respond is key in the children’s development.

We often expect kids, especially our own, to be mini-adults. They’re not. They have no concept of time until they have a curfew. And then they’re late. From the start, we need to be the leaders, the ones who set the example, display patience, kindness, and restraint. It may be tempting to yell. Please don’t. As as adult whose Mom yelled constantly, please don’t. I suppose she doesn’t remember, but I do. It was horrible. And she didn’t know any better. She did what her mom did. And I did what my mom did. Until my son nearly died.

Then I changed. I ceased yelling. I begged God to let me have a second chance with my little boy. I saw how destructive the yelling is. I still can be triggered into feeling the bad feelings that went with it. It took a lot of years to stop feeling responsible for upsetting her. It wasn’t my fault. The harder I tried to please her, the worse it seemed to be. It was all within her. And still is.

I’m glad to have been the one to break part of the family curse. My kids don’t have it, but I made other mistakes with them. Someday, I’ll go into it, but not now. We all make our own mistakes in working out the dysfunctionality we grew up with.

Now, I’m not talking about this for sympathy, or to disrespect my elderly mom. I am learning the fact that since I ended this family behavior, I can be an asset to someone else working through flashbacks, memories like this, triggers, and their ensuing reaction. Yes, they (we) can learn to manage our triggers. People with PTSD can, too. It’s not just soldiers who have PTSD. We all have something. We may not even realize it.

Chiding our children to “Hurry up!” is not a good track to be on. Chances are, if everyone started out 30 minutes earlier, you’d all be on time. We had one bathroom, and myself and three kids got ready, dressed, ate breakfast, and had to leave the house by 7 a.m. I dropped them at three different schools at one point, and had to be to work, at my desk by 8 a.m. 7:45 was ideal, but on time was expected. My kids never made me late to work in those early years.

Even as they went to high school, we moved but still had only one bathroom. We still made it to work. When they could drive, I would leave by 7:00 a.m., then took advantage of flex time. It worked perfectly.

As the parents, we need to establish good habits to model for our kids. Plan ahead. Leave early or on time. Be responsible for yourself. Practicing the habit makes it a routine. The routine becomes normal.

Any change we make to our lives to become better people takes time. It’s not a 60 seconds or less thing where change is concerned. Growth doesn’t happen with a stopwatch. Our society values speed more than anything; faster isn’t better; better is better. And you haven’t even lost your patience, you accept responsibility and act accordingly. I believe it’s a good quality to instill in our kids.

Let’s all be more patient. At home. In the car. At work. At play. At rest. It will soon become normal for you. Your life will improve. I promise.

Have a great evening; we’re cheering the Huskers again tonight, and hoping they win again. Time will tell. I’ll be patient. See you tomorrow.

Grief. Confusing?

Yes, it is. There are several stages, and you may rock back and forth between them. One minute, you may recall wonderful memories, and suddenly, painful memories rear their ugly head. The feelings are contradictory, and totally normal. The key is to learn how to navigate among them. Ignoring them does not work. I tried.

Applying alcohol or drugs to the pain is counterproductive and causes other problems. My siblings and I tried that (no drugs for me, just alcohol and withdrawing), along with never talking about Dad. Mom usually became angry when we did. Years later, we individually compared notes, and learned a lot. We also learned to share the happy memories and enjoy talking about him. It’s much healthier and we could move on then.

The thing is, the feeling of choice for many people is anger. All that does is try to blanket fear. That doesn’t work, either. Fear is usually unfounded, unless it’s a twelve foot grizzly bear in the Montana wilderness growling in your face. Then fear is very justified.

Fears originate from the unknown. Often folks who are fearful think they need to execute every move according to their rigid plan. Our plans, foiled by life, often are useless. Yes, knowing what your life work is and achieving the education and experiences to realize that plan is great. Sometimes, the plan, spoiled by life events like death, loss of financial support, unexpected pregnancy, and a host of other things, does not work out.

That doesn’t make you or me a failure. You will feel grief. Your plan cannot work right now, but maybe later. Maybe you need a better plan, a different timetable or different source of revenue.And yes, you can be angry with the situation. Remaining that way will affect your life in very negative ways. You will become negative. Getting through the anger is hard work, but worth it.

Feeling guilt for things said or not said, things done or not done is also normal. Those are mistaken sentiments, especially if you feel, “I should have . . . ” or if you feel as if “I’m being punished because I . . . “. God doesn’t play with us like that. He wants to comfort us.

At long last, the frustration, exhaustion and fog lifts and we can accept the change the loss has caused in our life. It is our life, and it won’t be the same. Sure, we’ll still be sad from time to time. We won’t find ourselves lost in it, though. Life goes on. We need to live ours while we have the opportunity.

Acceptance does not mean forgetting the loved one or the dream. It means putting it in a place where you can remember without pain or anger. Acceptance means the loss is a fact in life. An ultimate fact. And you have healed your way there.

Thank you for reading about something most of us would rather avoid. Living again is the best result of all. See you tomorrow!

A Peaceful Heart

We all know of someone with a hair trigger temper. A rant can begin at any time, you just don’t know when. Walking on eggshells is no way to live.

“Anger helps straighten out a problem like a fan helps straighten a pile of papers.”

We all know someone who throws temper tantrums, who slam doors and object to prove their displeasure and stomp around to prove a point. How childish. It’s no way to live.

The outbursts we threaten others are spontaneous in number and severity. We make them watch out, don’t rile us up, or we would intimidate them and make them wish we weren’t around. Is this any way for us to relate to people? Is this any way for these people around us to have to exist?

The outbursts are NOT just blowing off steam. They’re opportunities for a cheap thrill by feeling powerful that simply indicates we are short on coping skills. We forget the steam we justify we’re blowing off actually blasts others in the face. Tirades have never solved a problem. Mom was raised in a home where people argued and yelled. She says her mother made her and her sisters afraid of their father. “Don’t tell Dad” is a terrible thing to do to kids. It teaches them to lie and omit parts of the truth. Kids echo the behavior they see around them. Unfortunately, she was frequently angry. I believe it was overwhelm; she had two children under the age of two and didn’t have a lot of help from Dad. Men did not participate in daily tasks with children in the early 1950s. Again, it depends on how you’re raised.

As folks learn to deal with their anger in a constructive manner, anger should subside. Anger, left untamed, can destroy a person, a family, and guarantee dysfunction for the lives of coming generations. It happens more often than not. The person who recognizes this dysfunction and speaks up is often the black sheep for at least a while. It takes courage to speak up and vow to take a different path than the one your parent followed. They just didn’t know any better. It wasn’t their fault.

What you can do is intend to handle situations differently. Be accountable to yourself. Make it a calmer world for your children. It will also be a calmer world for you, too. Once I realized showing anger towards my children and yelling was not the way a Mom should behave, I stopped. I was about 25 years old when I learned an alternate way to be. My life was full of tension and turmoil due to my marriage. I learned other ways of coping with my anxiety. I became a different person, a much better Mom, and learned about personal growth and improving yourself all the days of your life. And we’re not finished yet.

Think about your peace, and the peace you create in your home. Are people walking on eggshells around you? You can change that. You can choose to break a family curse. Yes you can. Work on your own temper. Is it out of control? Is it too much? Reign it in. Control it before it controls you. Have a beautiful evening. See you tomorrow!

Note to Self: Don’t Trust Your Memory!

We probably missed a once in a lifetime opportunity last evening. As an alumni of Bellevue University, an event was held last night at our Holland Performing Arts Center in Omaha. Gary Sinise was the speaker. I sent in reservations for two, printed out the info sheet, and promptly forgot to write it down on the daily calendar. I’m sure it was a very good talk and I wouldn’t be surprised if he had the Lieutenant Dan Band with him. That hasn’t been confirmed yet, but it would have been way cool.

And I missed it because I trusted my faulty memory again. Yeah, that wasn’t one of my better moves. But you know what? It’s not the first mistake I’ve made and certainly won’t be my last. That’s what being human gets you. Accepting it is what soul seeking does for you. Once we accept our shortcomings, things are easier. Unless someone else decides to Lord them over you as a “joke”. Then you can become angry or worse. And why? You know you’re not perfect. Why get angry?

Again, we can’t escape being human. It is something that never changes until after we die and enter eternity. Hopefully, that’s a long time away. Until then, I’ll get mad if you give me too much crap and push me beyond, “I’m just joking.” Sometimes you really aren’t. Sometimes it’s a poke at something you may not like about me, and usually it’s true. It’s part of my humanness and imperfection. Would you like a litany of your imperfections? I didn’t think you’d like it. Even if I were “just joking.” I wouldn’t be. I’d be trying to hurt you back.

And doing that is a knee-jerk reaction of protection. It’s learned, I think. Is it from being bullied as a kid? Could be. A long, long time ago, I’d pounce, unloading on the person who committed the “crossing the line,” or I’d just keep quiet and feel lousy about myself, thinking, “Yeah, they’re right.” That’s also a learned behavior. Your spirit is beaten down so you can’t react or stick up for yourself. Takes time to unlearn that. Why hurt someone simply because they hurt you? Tempting as it is, at the very least, it’s not how I’d want to be treated.

Breaking the curse of dysfunction takes many, many years. A lot of self-analysis. And you can feel proud when you are in a situation and think of how NOT to handle it. How you can draw a boundary between what’s a “joke,” and what isn’t. And how you’d react if you hadn’t learned how damaging that lashing out behavior can be. You feel better about showing the anger but not the “getting even” behavior that is so destructive. You have established a line you won’t cross. And that’s a good thing.

It’s not easy living with other humans, no matter your ages or longevity of your relationship. Loving someone isn’t simply enough. You have to have understanding of each other and where they come from sometimes. That is the hardest thing of all. Especially when your other person may have had a bad day, or bad moments from their own rubbish in their brain. It happens. We all have it. Let’s all take out the rubbish, the garbage of bad self-esteem. Let’s clean house of those bad memories that trigger things in ourselves we don’t like. It’s about getting through things, not over or around them.

Personal improvement is not easy. Recovering from traumas isn’t either. Anything worthwhile in this life is hard! The driving force behind my love for the Babe is, “Someday, one of us won’t be around. It doesn’t matter when the 1% sneaks in and rears it’s ugly head. It’s the 99% of contentment and love that matters.” That thought has been forefront since two close friends have lost their husbands this year alone. I don’t want to have any regrets as my grandmother did. We might not get our tomorrows.

That said, I hope to be here to write tomorrow. I hope you’re here to read. And I hope to become a better person. Work on that today with me. The world will become kinder, and we can all use that.

Fab Friday!

This is a late start today. My gosh, Goldie has a lot of pent up energy. She wanted to play. She finally stopped and now she went off elsewhere to take a nap. I almost need one! She is a sweet girl, and I hope someday I’ll get some strength back to be able to walk her. Maybe by then she’ll walk better. Until then, the Babe is also the dog walker.

By the photos shared today, I suppose it seems I’m feeling a little mushy. Mushy is ok. I know people who are angry all the time. I think they’re just scared because they can’t control everything around them, and it causes anxiety. Anxiety is often what fear creates, and most don’t want to admit they are afraid. They’d rather act angry. Anger can be appropriate, it can be valid, it can be justified. What you don’t want is have it rule you. You lose so much then.

Later, I’ll be organizing the photos I have of Roxie. They’re a look back not only at her, but also of Gavin. They grew up together. They both could be a couple of stinkers at times, but when they were together, wow! They were good together, and she loved to just look at him. She trusted him. He loved her. It was sweet.

I have a little rewriting to do on the children’s book project, and will do that before the end of today. I want it fresh for a meeting I have tomorrow. Not sure how long it takes to get an LLC established, but once my attorney gives me notice, we’ll have cause for celebration!

I want to keep an open mind in 2021. Not that I didn’t before; it’s been a few years since I’ve thought, “Oh, I can’t do THAT!” I’ve listened to both my smart daughter, my sons and their encouragement, and of course, the Babe, who have all said, “Go do it!” Learn how, you’ve got time. By having an open mind, we can have new opportunities. Keep yourself open. I’ve found if I can’t come up with an immediate why I shouldn’t, I need to at least try.

The trouble is, when you want to do a lot of things, all of them different, it’s hard to pick what you’ll do right now. In the fall, I removed all the shiny new art supplies I bought. They went to storage in the crafting room, I can’t have them in my sight right now. I took a month off from writing about Katie Fitzgibbons, and my children’s book caught my attention. It’s “almost done.” Well, the words are “almost done.” I think inspiration got my attention and told me this project will finish soon. The wheels are in motion. 

Who knows what other opportunities will reveal themselves this year? 2021 will be good. The nation will heal. We have too many good people to not heal. The politicians all need to take a cold, hard look at themselves. And each other. Term limits will help. New ideas will never come to light by old, stinking thinking. And age has not a thing to do with it. Let’s all do away with stereotypes for groups we encounter this year. No, Republicans are not all old men. Democrats aren’t the only ones with heart and souls. We all have those things. You can be chronologically old yet have young ideas and heart. We all have to get over ourselves. Yes, all of us. We live in a world where we all affect each other eventually.

Thanks for joining me today. I appreciate it and plan to see you tomorrow. Let’s all be kind, be safe out there, too. Pray for our great nation. Let us remember we are supposed to be leaders, not followers. Have a beautiful afternoon.

Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com