Long Day, Long Week

It’s Saturday. Glad for the weekend.

I haven’t seen one ball game of Gavin’s for a very long time. Today , I get to see two. 9 and 11. I look forward to it, far more than you can probably believe.

My brothers will look after Mom over the weekend. It works well. They are so easy to work with. The three of us are a good care team.

Last weekend, Memorial Day weekend, was the unofficial summer start. We have had a couple of days hot and humid so far, and we will have many more ahead. It’s time. And I have some baseball to catch up on.

It’s so hard to believe Gavin will be 11 this year. He loves baseball, and I love to watch him play. It’s great. Best fun I’ve had in years.

My oldest played Little League ball. He was a skilful player at 10, just like Gavin. His dad coached, but that was when we separated, and his dad refused to pick him up for practice and games. I had to work until 5 every day, and did not get home in time to take him to practice or play games. His dad wouldn’t since it I filed for divorce. His dad was the coach. My son told me he could forgive his dad for everything else but baseball. I’m so happy my grandson doesn’t have that situation.

The rest of the weekend? I will spend time with the Babe. We haven’t seen each other much this week. We have a lot to catch up on. I feel so lucky to do that. There are a lot of husbands who wouldn’t have it if their wife needed to tend to her mom. Mine knows family is everything and knows we all have only one Mom. I’m a lucky woman.

You know, we have a lot of things to do to finish preparing for summer. I’m so sad there will no longer be a specialty nursery in Gretna who raises seed planted Geraniums for summer and poinsettias for Christmas. I should be able to re-start the geraniums every spring, for as long as I want. It will be wonderful to have those same plants, year after year. Such a keepsake.

We have some things to take care of this weekend; hope you get to enjoy yours. Have a great Saturday! See you tomorrow.

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

One of my heroes died this week. Tina Turner was an extremely talented woman who taught many of my generation of women they could make their own way in life. Without being subject to treatment by a man that is abusive, verbally and physically.

Someone did not physically abuse me. I used to think it would have been easier if others could see what was happening. I married someone who treated me just like I mistakenly thought I deserved, which was verbally abusive. My kids suffered it too. Married at 18, I thought love was supposed to hurt, that you fight and makeup, he buys you flowers and Wally and the Beaver sit down with you both at dinner. Didn’t happen that way.

I was extremely unhappy. Isolated; no transportation, etc. I wanted to go to college and finally went to Metro Community College. Some days, I took the bus. But things fell into place, and after about 18 months of studying, still doing all the work at home, and unheard, I filed for divorce and never looked back.

That was near the time Tina Turner was making it big. Her story gave me hope. I wanted to be as strong as Tina Turner was. She honed her craft and strutted on that stage with fire and fervor I couldn’t believe existed. She fascinated me. I read her bio. It was quite sad and violent, but she rose above all the hate, pain, and hurt and became a force to be reckoned with. And she exuded happiness.

One thing I learned was she studied Buddhism. It helped her center, focus, learn to be one with the universe. Believing in any higher power is critical. We need to realize something bigger than us. I believe God showed me the way over the past 41 years. It’s guided me to where I am right now.

Tina Turner led the way for many women like me. Listen to her music. It still blows me away.

Around that same time, Cher also became a force on her own. She did the same. Walked away, knowing she deserved better.

During the rest of 1982, when my ex tried to get back together, I finally told him:

“Tina did great without Ike. Cher did great without Sonny. And Kathy will do fine without Frank.”

Have a great day, see you tomorrow. Oh, and BTW. The Babe? Simply the Best!”

Built in 1952, Still Going in 2023!

Some days, it’s going strong, some days it’s a stroll. And that is more than ok.

Spending my birthday today, the way I want. On the patio and on the deck, depending on the sun/heat. Going to find a cake with delicious buttercream frosting. Going to eat all four corners of it. It’s my favorite piece. And of course, ice cream! Thinking about what kind I would like. The possibilities are limitless.

It will be a surprise until I find the perfect thing. An adventure in shopping. Yep. We’re worth it. I’ll stop by and see how Mom is doing; she’s wanting to stay home, only, and not go for a haircut or anything. Mental note to call the beautician. OK, will do. The Babe is cooking steaks on the grill, and that’s just fine by me. It’s all about the cake on your birthday, anyway. I love birthdays, a day to celebrate you. Not like Christmas or Thanksgiving, it’s a day about who entered the world that day.

While your person is recovering after the cancer treatment, and from the cancer treatment, we need to be open for what they feel up to and don’t. It can change from minute to minute. It’s hard when they can’t decide, then they decide isn’t what they really wanted. Their minds are all over the place, and if they’re elderly, they’re worrying they won’t be able to stay in their homes. Yes, it’s an adventure. It gets better, though.

We’ve been so busy with Mom, I have had little chance to think about the significance of turning 71 this year. Life is becoming even more important to me than it was before. It is fragile, yet reinforced. It is long, yet too short. And it goes by too quickly. Ask anyone at any stage of life. We all have stories.

Sharing our stories helps other become informed of what could be ahead of them. No, no two cases are the same, no two patients are the same. Yet, some tips from everyone may be helpful to those who feel adrift at sea. You’re not alone, we’re all ready to listen and offer you and your friend or loved one what we learned and what helped us. We’re stronger together, all playing a part in this journey.

Have a beautiful day today. Help me celebrate today, have an ice cream cone or a cupcake. I appreciate it! And just have fun. See you tomorrow!

ACS Challenge-31daysx30 minutes

Over the years, one thing standing out among all the achievements in cancer treatment is fewer people are dying from it. Treatment helps you not only kick cancer, but is also helps you have more birthdays. Some of us might not, I understand that, too.

One thing some people do is procrastinate getting the diagnosis. They don’t want to ruin Christmas, or your birthday, or anniversary, so they put off the visit to the doctor. They delay the scans. Work is always a great excuse. Trust me, if you work for a company with health insurance and/or PTO, you can certainly miss an hour to have this important test. Your life may depend on it. Too blunt?

Sorry, not sorry if it is. The whole point I’ve learned over the years is something ACS hammers home every chance it gets: Early Detection Saves Lives.

Please, get those diagnostic tests.

Some people with cancer the Babe and I know diagnosed early had much better chances of survival after treatments. Some cancers, hard to detect, are advanced staged at diagnosis. The Babe’s ex-wife Sandy was one of these people. We were all friends, and Sandy and I became good friends during her illness. I was home during the day, and when she felt up to it, we’d go to a movie or have lunch during a weekday. I treasure that friendship. She, given 6 months to live, lived a life full of love from her kids and grandkids. And she lived two years longer than expected. She enriched all of our lives. Miss you, my friend.

Sandy’s sister Sharon, diagnosed with the same cancer as Sandy, died the next spring. Their mother died in 1988 from the same cancer. Sad situation all the way around. Sharon’s husband, Lou, began inviting us to have Christmas dinner with him, with the Babe’s daughter Tracy, TJ, Addison and Gavin. It’s become an annual blessing. The Babe worked for Lou at Watkins Concrete Block Co, Inc. until they both retired. A very kind man, with a big heart. Miss them both now.

We’ve known two people diagnosed with kidney cancer. They both underwent kidney removal surgery. Later on, cancer appeared in a nearby location, and the fight was on. The cancer, and other factors, resulted in the loss of another friend. The other person, the Babe’s Mom Liz, had the kidney removed and not more cancer. She passed from complications from MS. Bless her, too. Miss her every day.

For about seven or eight years, it seemed that’s all we knew, one friend after another; lost to cancer.

The loss to our family of my sister-in-law Laura was equally as devastating as the loss of our dad.

Married to my brother Tim, Laura was a sweetheart since kindergarten. Yes, kindergarten. Their lives went different ways, but they remained in touch. Laura married after high school, divorced with one child. She remarried, was pregnant, and her husband died of cancer. Two little children, a girl and a boy.

She wed again, had two more boys, and this husband committed suicide. Dear God, this could be a movie plot. And it’s absolutely true. Alone with four children. My brother re-entered her life.

It was a roller coaster much of the time. They were intent on changing each of their lives, and learning a better way to live and raise the children. After several years of marriage, they diagnosed Laura with oral cancer. Her brother passed from it as well. Now, Laura suffered the same fate.

To help my brother, I spent a lot of time with her. He was trying to work his job, save his time off for when he absolutely needed it, and run the house, keeping track of the kids. Hard enough for two people, much less for one with a day job. She was in and out of the hospital, feeding tube, massive weight loss, chemo and radiation, and she stayed positive. We talked a lot about heaven, God, and forgiveness. She and I were distant over a misunderstanding for a long time. Her illness and my love for my brother helped heal that issue, and I’m grateful for what I learned from her.

Mend your fences, folks. Take it from one who knows. You don’t want to run out of time. Love you, sister! See you in heaven, someday.

Both women added to my life and my understanding of others. So grateful for their friendships and the memories I have with them. Make some memories today. See you tomorrow.

May 5, 2023 – ACS 31 x 30

Good morning, friends! We are on day 5 of writing 30 minutes a day for the 31 days of May. How’s your world this morning? 

Mom’s not doing too well this morning, so I went over early, and she’s napping. It’s interesting, she didn’t want a recliner/chair to help her stand up. Boy, she’s just loving it now. 

That’s another thing you learn while helping someone who is aging and ill. Change is so difficult. They just want to have some control over something. It’s not unusual for any of us. They’re vulnerable, afraid, and just want something to be the same for them. Don’t we all? 

Those of us who are open to change and consider it necessary may have a hard time dealing with that attitude. From our point of view, sure, it seems to make sense, you’re over 90 years old, you can’t do most things as you used to, limitations are making your world so much smaller. No one likes that. And it happens so quickly.

It’s hard to watch them struggle, and hard to know if they want help with simple things or if they want to do it themselves. A few days ago, Mom told me she was going to do a couple of odd minor tasks. She said, “If I need you, I’ll let you know.” I try to keep it at that level. 

And here’s another it’s hard to believe we saw this moment:

After parking the car at the pickup circle, I brought Mom out in the wheelchair to get her loaded in the car. I parked behind an original 1976 Firebird Trans Am, complete with t-tops, which were off for the beautiful day.

“Does she have hearing aids?” 

“Yes.” We didn’t know what to expect then.

“I’ll wait until you get her in the car to start my car. It’s very loud, and I don’t want to hurt her ears.”

How nice of them! Can you believe it? You can find people blessing one another in unusual ways. Humans are pretty good, after all.

After parking the wheelchair back inside, another elderly person walked out with his family. It was obvious he had hearing aids, too. I smiled to myself. I leaned close to the ladies in the Trans Am and said, “Girls, you could be here for a while.” 

They laughed and told me, “We just said the same thing. I’m going to put it in neutral and roll down to the thru lanes to exit and then fire it up.” She sure knew how to start that baby. It’s rare you find anyone, much less a lady, who knows how to do that. It did my heart proud of all the girls out there. Smooth as silk!

In your journey through life, and not just cancer, things appear each day that are unexpected. We should pay attention if we’re able, and be grateful for the respites, especially during a hard day, or morning, afternoon, or hour. 

And her passenger was picked up in style from her cancer treatment. What a treat, for all of us.

Happy Saturday!

Here we are, at the last Saturday in April, 2023.

The past four months have passed in a quick blink of an eye. How does this happen?

We passed Mom’s 17th treatment of 28 today. That has sped by, too. Some days, she’s so tired of the hustle (she is 93, after all), but she doesn’t get too grumpy. I try to make her laugh about something from we were all at home. Usually she does. It’s good she isn’t all doom and gloom. Whatever she thinks while she’s alone, I have no idea. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to hide it, she needs to talk. Oddly enough, she does. It’s taken a bit, and she volunteers things, which is new for her. I’m grateful for that. She’s finally let me in a little. It’s finally happened. God is, indeed, good.

Do you ever watch Dateline on Friday nights? Aren’t there just a lot of people to be afraid of? That’s one way to think. And yes, there are people whom we should approach with caution. I don’t believe most folks are like that, though. I have to keep the positive thought the world is more good than bad.

I’m planning today and tomorrow what I’m using for my project to write 30 minutes a day to raise funds for the American Cancer Society. They issued a challenge for the Month of May, and I thought it was perfect. I want to concentrate on my children’s book during the next month. The second item of importance is my novel, I stopped working on at a certain part of the story which is close to something in my life. It’s hard, but ends happily, just like it did in real life.

The trouble sometimes with writing is we have ideas for so many stories, it’s hard to settle on one to work on. I have an idea for a book about the friends we knew at the VFW; I also have many ideas for a story about families dealing with cancer.

At times, I think there is a common theme with ideas I have for stories; and they all include a big element of sadness in them. Does that mean I’m a downer? Are my ideas only sad? Or are they good resources for teaching others how to deal with real-life situations? I hope they become resources for helping families in time of trouble.

Many of the people I’ve talked to about my kids book have told me they could have used something like it for them, their kids, and everyone involved when they’ve had a loss. This is encouraging. My primary goal is to not only to write well; I want to write well in a way that helps people. Help can be help with a real-life problem or enjoyment or escape in good fiction.

I think there was nothing about grief when my dad died in 1988. I know my family didn’t grieve in a healthy way. None of us did. After the Babe and I married in 1998, we were lucky to be involved in Stephens Ministry. We were introduced to healthy ways to grieve, to walk with someone through their life changes, grief, and the like. It changed our lives and our outlook. All those contacts are treasured friends today. And we’re grateful for all of it.

Here’s hoping we all have a great Saturday. And we’ll see each other tomorrow, too. Be safe out there.

Let the Dead Past Bury Its Dead!

This quote from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is good advice, even applicable now. Looking backwards does not help us with decisions impacting our present life or our future life. We all well know how counterproductive that is.

We need to examine our reactions and feelings. We may repeat modeled behavior we learned by observing. Do we feel guilt when we ask for what we need? Do we think something bad will happen when things go too well? As we experience personal growth and change, we learn a new way to think and feel. Our values change for the better.

For one, we learn to value ourselves. We learn to develop a new way to react to good things happening. We learn we deserve a voice in decisions which affect our lives. We learn to live with joy in our lives, and hope for tomorrow. We learn we deserve good things. How could we have ever though so little of ourselves?

When I think of the young girl I was when I first married, I cannot believe she existed. She had very low self-esteem and couldn’t see she had rights, and was an equal to her husband. The way her world opened up was new and exciting. She grew beyond where she lived for over 30 years. It’s been a journey. And one I am so glad about. Those old feelings are not worth revisiting, except to caution people who may feel the same way. Listen to what your gut tells you. It’s never wrong.

Have a beautiful Friday today. Mom had Radiation five times this week and will have two days off now. The Babe and I have stuff to do outside again. It will be another nice weekend. Hope you get out and enjoy it. See you tomorrow.

Just Say Yes

We can be so fearful. When life goes along, the same day after day, month after month, you get it.

Things aren’t right, we just don’t know what to do. Frozen with indecision is the worst place to be. The only thing worse is to stay there. Says who?

Choices are great. Troubleshooting what might go wrong is a great thing in computer programming. Trying to avoid that scenario is ideal. In everyday life it can be paralyzing. We don’t know which choice is the one. The longer we procrastinate the further we are from doing something. Productivity dives and moving ahead is impossible.

If we do that in life, we can be stuck at about eighteen when we’re sixty. Not good.

Considering what can go wrong is ok, but you need to know when to make a choice and move ahead. Thoughtful consideration is admirable, and important for moving ahead as well as moving on. We cannot stay in this spot forever. If we do, we have a stunted, unhappy life.

Sure, it may seem safe; but is it? Not if we’re unhappy staying there. And deep down we always are. God meant us to grow, expand our minds and spend our lives making things better. Including us. We all have gifts to use. It’s our job while on earth. Our talents are God’s gift to us; what we do with them is our gift to God. We need to give a gift worth giving, one that shows what’s in our hearts, minds, and souls.

If addiction to alcohol or drugs keeps us from giving a worthy gift back to God, in order to move ahead, we need to change our lives. Painful as it often is, we must admit our shortcomings and act to move ahead instead of living in a stagnant world, slowly decaying, and moving towards certain death. We need to do this to get out of the rut that seems so comfortable.

I repeatedly chose people that would ultimately reject me, knowing nothing ever would work out for the better. I thought it would always turn out that way. I failed to see I had all the power. As long as I continued to make a bad choice, I would get the same result. After learning about codependency, how Adult Children of Alcoholics behave, and how to overcome it. We don’t know any better, usually because our parents model the behavior, it’s all they knew, too.

Yes, it’s lonely to be the one who knew since they were little they didn’t fit in. It’s lonely to be the one who asks questions no one wants to answer. The people you’re asking cannot answer them. You know different things than they do. You can answer your own questions. They don’t like it when you do. You make them uncomfortable. You really aren’t like them. They don’t understand why you ask about the status quo. They take offense at what you represent. Change. The scariest thing of all.

Start small. Make little changes. Soon, you’ll be more comfortable. Keep doing it. It gets easier as life improves so much. You’ll be ready for more. I’m proud of you for speaking up and doing something about your discomfort. You will feel it much less as you learn to make the changes along your way to a much better life. Go for it.

I hope you and yours have a peaceful Easter Sunday, or other holiday, however you celebrate. Be kind to each other and be grateful. We all have so much. Gratitude goes a long way. See you tomorrow.

When Spring Comes . . .

. . . the grass grows by itself.

Right along with the seasons coming in their time and on time every single time since God created all of this. Eager as we are for spring to begin, it will in its own good time. What we need to do in the meantime, is relax. That is a tall order with all the anxiety flying about in the world.

I’ve found the older I become, the less I need to work at relaxing. For that, I’m grateful. I’ve learned we can’t force an outcome simply because we think it is in our best interest. We only know the small part that affects our world. God knows what the big picture is. When I was still married to my first husband, I was a bundle of nerves. It was awful. I had muscle spasms in my stomach, and I was a mess. Didn’t really drink coffee, just tea, and wanted the pain to just stop. It did. After counseling, filing for divorce, and him moving out, the pain stopped. I’ve never had it again.

That was the last bit of information I needed to change my life. My short-sighted plan didn’t seem to be such a sure plan. I didn’t belong in a happily ever after life with that man. But I do with the Babe. We met 27 years ago, and in October, will be married 25 years. So happy. So calm. And this time, I’m sure.

I’ve noticed a great change in the Babe, too. He used to have a hard time just staying at home. We did vacations and then eased off the traveling; so we had about ten years of kids getting married and having babies, and now, just enjoy being home. We’re good to watch the seasons surround our home with lush foliage, flowers, crisp leaves, bare branches, and snow. All in its own good time. Every year, new birds make themselves known. Waiting their visitation and hatching eggs on the patio, above the rafters.

The less rigid we are results in an opening of our hearts, minds, and souls. We can settle in, watch nature unfold in its own time. We slowly learn our perfectionism and rigid rules are not conducive to enjoying successful execution of what we do well. Being perfect doesn’t register anywhere with being satisfied in what we do. Learn to relax. Foremost. And forever.

Have a great Wednesday. See you tomorrow.

Recalls

Do you own a new auto?

Have you ever received a recall notice for your vehicle? How did you handle it?

It’s interesting, the feature we don’t like at all is being recalled. The idea to save fuel by shutting the engine off while at a stop sign, traffic light, in line at the bank, etc. is one we disagree with. Pushing a button is supposed to re-start the engine. This feature is not working properly. The recall is to replace the starter and update software. I find this fascinating. The first thing we asked each other was, “Won’t that put a lot of stress on the starter?”

My 3 brothers and I all worked for our uncle’s South Omaha Auto Parts Store. The parts came from other suppliers or directly from the yard where junked cars stored by make, model, etc. I worked in the office. Between that experience and growing up in a home where the men could work on their own cars, change their own oil, do their brakes, you pick up terminology here and there. As time went on, they expanded to starters, alternators, and radiators. I did radiator inventory more than once.

As luck would have it, the Babe was a diesel mechanic/lead where he worked. He had an office, and eventually became labor foreman, and facilities manager. He taught me a lot about construction, landscaping, and many other things. One of the most fun things we ever did that I still tease him about today was go downtown to the 24 hour concrete pour for the tallest building in Omaha – the First National Bank Tower Headquarters. For 24 hours, concrete trucks poured their entire load to create for the base of this giant skyscraper. It was interesting to watch, and he’d tell me what they were all doing. He knew a lot of the drivers from his job and had conversations with them later about it.

I would tell him, “You take me to the best places. We do the most fun stuff. Like the time we went to the concrete pour for the First National HQ.” He smiles. I don’t know of other women who like that kind of stuff. I’m grateful for the view on the world I have. It helped me fix stuff when I was a single mom with a house. I’m a lot more mechanically oriented that many women. I like to see things assembled and learn how they work.

I am thrilled to hear of initiatives by folks like Mike Rowe, encouraging kids to go into industries we need people to work with their hands. No matter what, we’ll always need cooks, nurses, mechanics, printers, production managers, butchers, plumbers, electricians, construction people. We shot ourselves in the foot in the 80s by doing away with the “technical” part of community colleges. The theory was:

“You can earn more money sitting down than you can standing up.”

Yes, we need people in work clothes. Those skills are in short supply; encourage your child. We need many of all the careers that exist. Let’s get a good balance.

Hope it’s a good day. Mom’s got an appointment, so we’ll be out for a while. I hope the weather is warm for her. Have a great day, and know spring is just around the corner. See you tomorrow.