I Could Accept Everybody Else’s

Vulnerability — But Not My Own. (Mae L.)

This was me. I was first in line to offer an ear, a hug, a meal, whatever someone needed, I was there to share what little I had. I was a fixer. Especially for people who might have addictions or excesses. It was part of codependency. Not a good trait when looking for a companion to share your life with.

Once I learned that and consciously decided to stop, I met the Babe. I knew he was a good guy, and I trusted my friend Carla with her description of him. And he didn’t drink. Very funny. Nice guy. And he saw through my walls. (Brick by brick, he removed them. Quite the analogy when you consider he was in the concrete block and brick industry. That year, their marketing department had t-shirts that read, “Building Our Future Together.” How applicable. And ironic! I still have the t-shirt.)

The walls I built to keep me safe. Isolated. I thought, “No one will hurt me from here!” The Babe is the last person those walls needed to be standing up for. He told me, “I just think you’ve been hurt so much you don’t know what to do when someone has no intention of hurting you.”

What? My brilliant disguise is transparent? Slowly and surely, he just kept showing up and doing what he did to earn my trust. Never did I have to wonder what was meant by “I’ll call you.” I never had to wait and wonder when. He’s the first man who called often. To tease me, talk to me, ask how I was. We became friends first. It was wonderful.

The first time he told me he loved me, I said, “Oh, no, you can’t. You don’t really know me yet.” His response? “Yes, I do.” I never expected to be loved. What a vulnerability. No more. I’m so grateful. Honesty, nothing to hide, and a man of his word. Is this heaven? Why, yes it is. My battered heart healed and is beating strong. Our relationship is so very good, there will never be another one like it. There is only one Babe for me.

Today, I met my son Frankie for an early birthday breakfast. We tried to go to one restaurant, but they were jam packed and had a long wait. We went back to a place we’d been before, and I ordered something I’d never had before – a breakfast burrito. It was gargantuan! Half of it is in the refrigerator for tomorrow’s breakfast. I will order this again, it’s that good. Shirley’s Diner never disappoints.

We had such a nice visit. Laughed about a lot of things when our little family was broke but happy, just the four of us; me, Frank, Nick, and Becky. I miss the good times but not the bad ones. And now, they’re all out contributing to the world around them. Frank lives in Omaha, Becky in Ft. Collins, CO, and Nick in Kansas City, MO. So lucky to have the Babe at this stage of my life.

It’s been a long but good day today. I hope to blog earlier tomorrow, and grow that habit. Maybe until NaNoWriMo is over the end of November I should keep blogging in the afternoon/evening. It all counts towards my daily word counts. Decisions will be made when they need to be. Not tonight. Have a great evening, and we’ll see each other tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Let’s try and get to #1000followers!

We Create Our Own Nightmares.

Sometimes, that’s the cold, hard truth. We all want our own way. It doesn’t matter if we’re a cranky toddler, an angst-filled teenager, a broken-hearted mid-lifer, an elder of the tribe, or an angry nonagenarian. We all have our moments.

We think we know everything at those moments. How others need to respond to us, the situation, who should do what, how they should do it, and of the result will be exactly what we think it should be. How could it fail? Let me count the ways, my dear.

We think our power is greater than it is; we’re not supposed to manage other’s outcomes. We have no idea what will work for everyone we think is involved. If everyone actually bends to our iron will, things may work out for a time. Before they backfire in our faces. The feeling of power is short-lived. Wow. We didn’t know what’s best. Imagine that?

Coming from an environment where some tried to control others lives, I know for a fact how true this statement is. Those folks don’t admit they’re wrong, nor when you’re right. Sad. Stay in your lane, people! Most often your own best guesses about my life are wrong, just as my ideas about your life are most likely wrong. The exception in cases of deep addiction to alcohol, drugs, or gambling. You need help not only with the substances, or activity, but also with your mental health. Sometimes, it’s necessary to have another help you figure out what to do. You need to care about your recovery more than I do, though. I cannot and will not do the hard work for you.

Me? I sure don’t ever want to quit learning. I’ll never know it all and I wouldn’t want to. Too much responsibility! A better life lies ahead of all of us who realize we need to be our own navigator. It’s even better when you have a co-captain/navigator in your life, a trusted person to travel with you. It’s not necessary, just nice. Appreciate those who love you and help you grow. Thanks a million, Babe.

Watch out for pitfalls and backsliding while learning to let others navigate their own road, when they’re capable. We’ll all make mistakes, there is no way around our being human. Learn from today’s mistakes. And don’t dwell on them. You’re living in the now and the future is ahead of you, not behind.

Today will be beastly hot, not fit for anyone. Drink lots of water, and rest. Outdoor work will still be there tomorrow. We have a heat advisory in our area, and I expect it to remain too hot for anyone. Grateful for the A/C. I have lots of catch-up work for the Post, and for us. Too many unexpected things happened all week. It’s going to be better. I know it will. Be safe, hydrate, and be kind. See you tomorrow!

On Loan

“Treat all things as if they were loaned to you without any ownership – whether body or soul, sense or strength, external goods or honors, house or hall . . . everything.” Meister Eckhart

Wow! Even with my twelve years of Catholic education, I don’t recall ever hearing of Meister Eckhart. He was a German mystic, theologian and philosopher. He taught a radical religious philosophy that God was present in everything. He claimed mystical experiences and had a large following. He was also tried as a heretic. Catholics were big on heretics back in the Middle Ages

He entered the Dominican order and worked as an administrator of 47 convents. His passion was preaching the Gospel. He was invited to Paris to teach, which was a great honor. His story includes a comment citing his heated discussions/debates with the Franciscan order. Wow. He stressed the Divinity in Mankind. He was considered mystical because he thought it important to clear one’s mind to be receptive to God’s presence. Isn’t this what Meditation is?

Eckhart also taught the importance of detachment from earthly things and desires. Again, doesn’t that sound like meditation and decluttering? Learning these things is good. Sadly, although he believed in teaching the poor and had huge following, he was found guilty of heresy and died while the verdict was under appeal. I find that sad, because in later years, Thomas Aquinas followed Eckhart’s teachings. I’m amazed at this.

Theology aside, maybe there is something about not treating things as if we “owned” them. Of course, we love our home, and we will own it someday, and our cars, but those things do not own us. We don’t feel defined by them. We may say, “my wife, my husband,” but we do not own them. We belong with them, through promises, vows, and civil laws.

When I was young, I thought couples had to be together all the time. They had to have only the same interests and hobbies. I knew no other example. As I grew up and learned codependency should not be a goal, I also learned a very different way of having relationships. The women in my world were self-proclaimed martyrs. Not all of them, but many were, it was the times (50s and 60s) and how we were taught life was. Men worked, women didn’t.

Although the Babe and I get along very well, we are somewhat different. I’m a book nerd, he’s not. He’s very helpful taking care of the house and cooking. I need his help! He’s never sat and wanted to be waited on. Mama raised up a couple good men with the Babe and his brother Ron. Thanks, Liz!

According to my daily meditation book, thinking someone is our responsibility leads to misplaced problem ownership. I took on a lot of responsibility that wasn’t mine, both for our mom and a brother. They needed to own their messes! I dropped those burdens, and wow. My load is so light now! Creativity is how I express myself, and the writing is improving. I will write that novel. November will see the goal of 50,000 words met. I have to do this, it’s an important message and I feel compelled to share it. Give others an inkling as to what can help them become free from the ties that bind them.

The last 25 years of my life have been so full of love and enjoyment. I made my kids be responsible for their choices. Once I didn’t enable them (didn’t last long, trust me), they became very capable adults. I was not taught how to do that. We learned together. I look at all the people in my life as being on loan. I enjoy them completely when we’re together, and they all have their own lives to live. The Babe, too. Events like his illnesses and accidents teach me he’s only on loan. He’s been quite lucky so far, and someday, that luck will run out. We’re not being negative, just realistic. I will live in today, not yesterday or tomorrow. Join me.

Thank you for reading today. Happy Halloween, and think of me writing tomorrow. 1,667 words a day for the 30 days of November. We’ll be closer to a finished novel! Isn’t that wonderful? Join me. See you tomorrow!